So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize