Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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