I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
