At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
