A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
