in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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