dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
