Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
