I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
FUCK WHALES
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
