Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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