We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
