Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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