I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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