it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
