I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
