I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
