I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
