If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
