I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
