Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
