I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
