nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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