She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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