She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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