I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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