I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
