Me too!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
