So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
