I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
