Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
