I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
