I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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