I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
