I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize