I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
