when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
