please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
