Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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