Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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