watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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