i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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