he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
