my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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