Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
