so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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