the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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