I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize