the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
