Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
