hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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