Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
