Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
