So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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