He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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