Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
