The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
