she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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