his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
