for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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