I'm pants shitting drunk right now
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
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