wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
